The Hammer- Message to All Shitty Baseball Umpires

You haven’t talked to a baseball player before if you’ve never heard of a complaint about ballsac umpires. 

I feel as though umpires are innately born braindead straight out of the womb and parents know that it’s a message from God that their child was destined to become an umpire. Would you be happy that God destined your kid to be something in life? I wouldn’t be, umpires are bitchs. 

Being an umpire is the dream of all stoner, baseball burnouts across America. That, and winning their town’s mens softball championship. Play baseball through high school, maybe even be a bench player at some community college, and then become registered to screw over little leagues and high schoolers everywhere. 

Like how are baseball umpires so bad? I feel like they are the worst officials of all sports. You see infinitely more complaints about baseball officials than other sports, like football or soccer. It’s like comparing eating ass to eating crap. Both of them kind of suck, but eating ass is way worse just cause you’re getting the crap too, and not just the butthole. 

If I was an umpire, I’d act HUGE. I’d have the biggest rabbit ears, and after hearing even the slightest remark about my officiating, even if it was a slight whisper or not even an insult, I’d throw your ass out of the city, nevermind just out of the game. Your ass would be bounced to Beijing. 

The main take away point from this article I guess is just umpires suck bad. If your dad is an umpire, then run away. If your husband is an umpire, cheat on him. If your bestfriend’s boyfriend is an umpire, hit him with your car. Just get rid of these shitty officials. 

Hammer down. 


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