The Hammer- Verizon Workers Are Definitely Stealing Our Data

I have a data family plan that entails me and my parents sharing 15 GB of data between the three of us. It seems that at the end of every month we are on the border of going over our limit because I had used about 11 GB of data. But how the shit do I use 11 GB? WTF.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m on my phone a good amount but generally it is when I am connected to wifi. I don’t watch videos or go on the internet or use Spotify whenever not on wifi. There’s no chance in ballsac that I’m using 11 GB per month on my own, which is why I’m convinced that Verizon workers are commiting theft of our data!

Think about it: the Verizon employees have complete access to our accounts. If they wanted to pull a prank they could change one of our phone numbers just for fun (something that I’d definitely do if I was a Verizon employee).

My vision is a middle aged Verizon employee, curly Seth Rogen Jew hair, glasses, stained pants, and a rich beard. He still lives at home with his mom whose room is right next to his. The Verizon store closed at 11 and his boss is telling him to hurry up so he can get home and read his kid a gay ass bedtime story like Jack and the Bean Stalk. The employee says “No sir, I’m staying overtime. I have a lot of work to get through tonight,” even though he’s just a customer assistance employee. The boss just tells him to lock up once he’s done. As the door shuts and the lights dim, the HARD working employee pulls out a king-sized lupriderm and connects the store’s surround sound speakers to his phone. Connecting his phone to my account, so that he doesn’t waste any of his data, he proceeds to throw himself a festival of porn that he would not be able to throw with his Mom at home. Lisa Ann, Rachel Star, even Alexis Texas, being streamed through his phone from my account for hours, and pretty soon he looks like he got into an accident at a custard factory. Not only is he wasting my precious data, but he’s also wasting his Mom’s time for she’s waiting for him to come home so she can kiss him goodnight.

Imagine just one of these sick perverts at every Verizon store through America. These are the communists stealing our data, or should we call them: “data terrorists”. I hope with my heart of hearts that once Ben Carson re-enters the race and wins presidency that he will take care of this serious matter ASAP. I will no longer go over my data plan because of middle aged porn addicts.

Hammer down.

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