For those not aware, Senior Assassin is a game where Seniors are assigned a ‘target’ and must assassinate their target within two weeks by shooting them with a water gun. To prove that you assassinated them, you must take a picture with your target and send it to the higher beings that are in charge of the game.
The game gets pretty heated as there is a grand prize of 350 dollars to the lone survivor at the end of the game. While Seniors everywhere love the game and can’t wait for the start of it upon every spring, there is one group that loves it a little bit more than most: the water gun industry.
How is the water gun industry still afloat? Like who the hell buys a water gun for any other reason besides Senior Assassin? If you’re caught using a water gun for anything not Senior Assassin related, you mine as well walk around with a sign that reads “Make fun of me for being a huge pussy”. I guarantee you that the CEO of Nerf gets a mean hard on once a year when Senior Assassin season rolls around and they’re saved from not having to shut down the water gun department once again.
I can see it now: President and CEO of Nerf Brian Goldner coming home from work with a bottle of champagne and flowers on the first day of Senior Assassin in America. He turns on the electric fire place and dims the lights as he sweeps his wife off of her feet pretending to be fucking Casanova or something. She asks him “what’s the occasion?” and he says “It’s Senior fucking Assassin baby” and engages in an overextended, passionate kiss that makes Brian hornier than a dog while his wife just awkwardly goes along with it.
If you look at the causality of it, Senior Assassin truly saves the jobs of the blue collar workers in watergun factories. It’s the new american dream: son of a watergun factory worker. These workers rely on the factory, and therefore, Senior Assassin, to put food on the tables for their loved children. So keep the tradition going on, American seniors. Not for the sake of having fun, but for the sake of the children.
P.S. Jamie Froment (the girl who currently has me in Senior Assassin): You better know a guy because the day that you catch me cleanly is the day that I light my balls on fire… again.