The Dean – How to Pick the Perfect College

Alright so clearly picking a college is one of the most important decisions you’re going to make in your life. Because I’m The Dean, I’m going to make this the easiest decision you’ve ever made. I’m gonna give you a bunch of different factors for Universities and give them a score of 1-10 based on how important they are…

FACTORS

Food Options (Importance Scale: 3)

Listen I hate to break it to everyone but every university has the same menu and there’s only one item on it. It’s called shit. Every college will try to sell you their meal plan, tell you that they are diverse, and hire that one asian guy that lives down the street (doesn’t even have an asian accent btw) to put a packet of General Tao’s Chicken into the microwave and sell it to you as sweet and sour chicken. No. Don’t buy it and do not include it under reasons to make or break your college choice. There are way more important things.

 

Weather (Importance Scale: 8)

There’s two ways this can go down and honestly I feel like you can win both ways unless you’re a dumbass so I’ll break it down. WARM WEATHER– No one can lose with warm weather. You and all your friends are going to be able to be outside most of the year and thats huge cause parties outside are way bigger and way better than ones inside the dorm. I already know if you’re reading this , then you’ve already seen about 5 guys jump through tables at Plymouth State just within the past 24 hours on Insta. So warm weather is a power move. On the other hand there is COLD WEATHER– Now no one is trying to be a hardo and be like “nah, if you don’t go to a school because it gets cold then you’re a pussy”. Actually fuck whatever guy tells you that because no one wants to be in cold weather. No one. College is supposed to be fun and nobody likes to shovel so thats one negative to cold weather. On the other hand this gives you the opportunity to slide in there with the woman. If she’s cold your ass gets up, grabs a blanket, and joins her. Make sure you don’t just turn the heat on.

 

Sports (Importance Scale: 10)

You do not, I repeat, DO NOT want to be the kid that goes to a school where their athletic team sucks complete ass. Boston College didn’t win a single game in their conference for either basketball or football. You know what I did when I saw that statistic. Crossed that school right off my list and was like “hell no, now I’m embarrassed for even thinking of applying there”. Make sure you go to a good sports school so you can rub it in all your friends faces when your school beats his (or her we aren’t sexist) school’s ass.

 

Name (Importance Scale: 10)

This is very important and make sure you keep it at the top of your list. The name of the school you go to tells a story about you. UNH- “I wanna go party and shit but URI is way too close to home”. Alabama- “I’m going for the football and tailgates”, or “I play the banjo and plan on marrying my cousin”. There’s a reason that a bunch of the stereotypical kids growing up in the slums that lost their parents, one leg, and a testicle can’t afford to go to Harvard even though they have the story for an essay. It’s cause you’re paying for the damn name. That’s rule #1 man, if you didn’t know that then your dumbass turns the heat on when she says its too cold.

 

Academics (Importance Scale: 1.03)

Lol come on bro its college.

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